Halo 3 Review by some angry 13 year old



  • GaMeRuInEr writes "So Bungie decided to shit out another Gaylo game to end this shitfuck trilogy. Does it actually not suck ass this time? Maybe, maybe not so eat my shit, asswipe.

    So I was out killing niggers the other day like I do every couple of days when I went to Wal-Mart and found Gaylo 3. It costs 2 kidneys, a pint of virgin blood, and $400 cash. I eventually forked it all over to buy this crap. When I got home, I put it in my 360, but the 360 was being a little fucking shit to me and not opening the goddamn CD tray. I eventually got it in and started it up. These are my findings…

    GAMEPLAY: Pretty much the same as the last two. The Covenant fuck things up and only Master Cheif can save the day because he has a ten foot dick. The dual-wielding feature is still present and there’s new devices you can use in your massive serial raping spree. Too bad they’re all worthless pieces of fucking hard drive space. For example, theres the bubble shield thats completely a fucking useless waste of textures and precious machine resources. Yeah, it protects you from bullets and explosions, but your enemies can walk right into the bubble and shoot you. Another useless device is the deployable shield, which can be easily destroyed by shooting its little metal holder-upper or whatever the fuck its called. There’s new weapons and some of them are actually good. Bungie finally pulled its head out of its ass and put the original assault rifle from Gaylo 1 back in. Bang up jobs, you shitdicks. Why can’t Bungie be like Valve and actually know how to make a fucking game?

    GRAPHICS: The graphics in this one show a fuck of a lot of detail, but they aren’t the best in the world. The motion blur that occurs when you move around fast is a nice touch, not to mention that there are fucking large big-ass open spaces that are almost as big as your fat mom. All the characters have gone up in detail, and by now Cortana is practically jackoff material. We all know Master Cheif wants to blow his source code all over her face.

    SOUND: The music is a good mix of the old and new. It wasn’t until this game came out that I thought pianos actually sound badass. Great use of the piano here. Most of the guns sound great, except for the assault rifle, which sounds fucking pussy. It sounds like a goddamn cap gun that I had when I was 5. Piece of plastic shit only lasted about a week. But anyway, there’s a huge variety in NPC dialogue on the battlefield, it seems that every time you play, your comrades say something different, as will the enemies. Not to mention that it almost seems like the grunts are finally reaching puberty because their voices sound a lot deeper than in the other games. They sound like cracked-out 13-year olds trying to grow a moustache. Man, I fucking hate 13-year-olds. You know what else I hate? Niggers.

    STORY: There’s a lot of story in this game, and it does well to live up to the “finish the fight” slogan. I wont spoil the whole story, except to say that you should watch through the credits if you want to get the full ending. All I’ll say is that Sergeant Johnson gets the beatdown by the 343 Guilty Spark because he obviously didn’t know that niggers aren’t allowed to tamper with the Gaylo control center.

    MULTIPLAYER: Prepare for an orgy of annoying 13-year-olds spamming the mics. The multiplayer is actually kinda fun even though all it takes to win is be a pussy and camp with the sword, the sniper rifle, or a combination of the two. The Mongooses will bring out the redneck in you.

    CUNTCLUSION: I wasn’t gonna give Gaylo 3 a chance at first because of how much fucking shit the last one was, but I gave it a shot. I tried hard to like it but it eventually didn’t live up to my expectations. Overhyped pile of fuck.

    5/10

    Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go jack off to my personal collection of Gabe Newell photos."

    I don’t care if it’s TL;DR. It’s still lulzy

    http://www.videogamessuck.com/top.html

    Go there for more lulz



  • GaMeRuInEr writes "So Bungie decided to shit out another Gaylo game to end this shitfuck trilogy. Does it actually not suck ass this time? Maybe, maybe not so eat my shit, asswipe.

    So I was out killing niggers the other day like I do every couple of days when I went to Wal-Mart and found Gaylo 3. It costs 2 kidneys, a pint of virgin blood, and $400 cash. I eventually forked it all over to buy this crap. When I got home, I put it in my 360, but the 360 was being a little fucking shit to me and not opening the goddamn CD tray. I eventually got it in and started it up. These are my findings…

    GAMEPLAY: Pretty much the same as the last two. The Covenant fuck things up and only Master Cheif can save the day because he has a ten foot dick. The dual-wielding feature is still present and there’s new devices you can use in your massive serial raping spree. Too bad they’re all worthless pieces of fucking hard drive space. For example, theres the bubble shield thats completely a fucking useless waste of textures and precious machine resources. Yeah, it protects you from bullets and explosions, but your enemies can walk right into the bubble and shoot you. Another useless device is the deployable shield, which can be easily destroyed by shooting its little metal holder-upper or whatever the fuck its called. There’s new weapons and some of them are actually good. Bungie finally pulled its head out of its ass and put the original assault rifle from Gaylo 1 back in. Bang up jobs, you shitdicks. Why can’t Bungie be like Valve and actually know how to make a fucking game?

    GRAPHICS: The graphics in this one show a fuck of a lot of detail, but they aren’t the best in the world. The motion blur that occurs when you move around fast is a nice touch, not to mention that there are fucking large big-ass open spaces that are almost as big as your fat mom. All the characters have gone up in detail, and by now Cortana is practically jackoff material. We all know Master Cheif wants to blow his source code all over her face.

    SOUND: The music is a good mix of the old and new. It wasn’t until this game came out that I thought pianos actually sound badass. Great use of the piano here. Most of the guns sound great, except for the assault rifle, which sounds fucking pussy. It sounds like a goddamn cap gun that I had when I was 5. Piece of plastic shit only lasted about a week. But anyway, there’s a huge variety in NPC dialogue on the battlefield, it seems that every time you play, your comrades say something different, as will the enemies. Not to mention that it almost seems like the grunts are finally reaching puberty because their voices sound a lot deeper than in the other games. They sound like cracked-out 13-year olds trying to grow a moustache. Man, I fucking hate 13-year-olds. You know what else I hate? Niggers.

    STORY: There’s a lot of story in this game, and it does well to live up to the “finish the fight” slogan. I wont spoil the whole story, except to say that you should watch through the credits if you want to get the full ending. All I’ll say is that Sergeant Johnson gets the beatdown by the 343 Guilty Spark because he obviously didn’t know that niggers aren’t allowed to tamper with the Gaylo control center.

    MULTIPLAYER: Prepare for an orgy of annoying 13-year-olds spamming the mics. The multiplayer is actually kinda fun even though all it takes to win is be a pussy and camp with the sword, the sniper rifle, or a combination of the two. The Mongooses will bring out the redneck in you.

    CUNTCLUSION: I wasn’t gonna give Gaylo 3 a chance at first because of how much fucking shit the last one was, but I gave it a shot. I tried hard to like it but it eventually didn’t live up to my expectations. Overhyped pile of fuck.

    5/10

    Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go jack off to my personal collection of Gabe Newell photos."

    I don’t care if it’s TL;DR. It’s still lulzy

    http://www.videogamessuck.com/top.html

    Go there for more lulz



  • It’s funny because it’s true.



  • That was actually a pretty good ragevire.



  • @Zetanor:

    It’s funny because it’s true.

    I agree



  • I started reading expecting shit and was pleasantly surprised.



  • you’re all faggots



  • @ERROR404:

    I agree

    truth

    I don’t even have a 360 fffff



  • doesnt sound much like a 13 year old


  • Banned

    Man, I fucking hate 13-year-olds.



  • @PaperJack:

    doesnt sound much like a 13 year old

    Yeah… This is actually a pretty intelligent rant.



  • When they decided to create a sequel, this happened

    GRAPHICS

    Quick edit:

    That’s a lot of swearing. /obvious



  • And the review for half life 2

    The sequel to the best game ever made AND HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT KICKS MY ASS OUT OF MY THROAT AND CHOKES ME WITH IT. THIS GAME FUCKING ROCKS MY TESTICLES IN A KNOT.

    Graphics: Man these graphics fucking rock, to me, this is the best looking game i have seen, and if you dont agree with me… obviously you choke on a big fat cock. Lets start with the sexy ass models. All of them are INCREDIBLE LOOKING, dr kliner, barney, the black dude , and everyones favorite, the hot black chick gordon will shove his HEV ehnaced dick up. I could totally wack and blow my load on the screen thinking its reals. SHE WOULD BE LIKE OH STEVE I LOVE IT. All the animations ON EVERYTHING, models, objects moving from physics, the water EVERYTHING is smooth as hell. Its smoother than my ass after taking a belt sander to it. The textures and everything also kick great ass my friend, GREAT TREMOUNDOUS ASS. They are so high res and incredible looking my god, espically the rocks looked really kick ass. The weapon models fucking rock too, the shotgun looks like im ready to blow someones ass away. The water refractions OMG blows load, they are the best looking i have ever seen. Everything is just plain incredible looking, not to mention pixel shaders all over to make it look even better.


    Sound: The sound is also fucking incredible. The most noteable to me is the weapon sounds arent fucking pussy. THANK GOD, A GUN ACTUALLY SOUNDS LIKE A BLOWING A LARGE CALIBER HOLE THROUGH SOMEONES TWAT. God the weapon sounds kick ass. The voice acting is fucking incredible, it sounds like they aren’t saying pre-scripted bullshit, it sounds like they actually talking to you. When barney said “Now about that beer i owed you” THATS A FUCK YEAH MOMENT. Some of the sounds from the old game where used for the barncle and thats about it… WHO CARES why fuck with perfection… dont fix what isnt broke cough Deus Ex 2 cough hunk of shit. Man the sound in the game is just plain amazing.


    Gameplay: This is the most incredible, funnest gameplay ever created. As soon as barney throws you your crowbar, you know… its time to beat some ass. The weapons all kick ass, i cant find a single non useful weapon in this game at all. The gravity gun is the greatest thing ever. You can throw almost ANYTHING at guys. Planks of wood, explosives barrels, sharpel from the explosive barrel, cinder blocks, desks, saw blades, paint ANYTHING and its so fucking cool. Cut zombies in half and smash bodies by shooting an engine at them ITS AWESOME. Also dont forget Gordon’s incredible crowbar skills. He can fucking throw that thing like Xena Warrio Princess and have it bounce off walls, smash a guy in the face, then catch it with HIS ASS. WHO ELSE CAN DO THAT?.. NO ONE. You know have the HEV Mach 5 suit instead of the mach4 so that means you will kick more ass. All the firefights, all the puzzles are just all so cool. The vehicles also kick ass, once you get ATLEAST to the fanboat part you will be like THIS GAME FUCKING KICKS ASS. Flying up ramps and shooting the shit out of helicopters while blowing throw abunch of planks of woods. The physics in this game have never been used like this before. Oh sure Max Payne 2 had physics but they were almost useless in that game. This game i fucking fly up a ramp with a dune buggy POP 2 GUYS WITH THE KICK ASS MAGNUM LAND DO A ROLL GET OUT AND SHOOT TWO MORE AND THEN SHOOT MYSELF. The AI in this game is also the best AI you will ever see, the enemies for once arent stupid. When i was in ravenholem some monsters were coming twoards me and i though Heh, ill just shut the door. Well they fucking hit the door then they jump on the ceiling. MEANWHILE, me going to open the door to blow them away. They bust through the glass ceiling and attacked my ass from behind. Also the combine soldiers couldnt attack me from this one place… so they fucking walked around to this other platform and shot me. ITS INCREDIBLE. The firefights in this game are just all so awesome, you have to play it just to see it for yourself. The gameplay is just plain amazing.


    Story: The G-man wakes you up and then you meet up with barney who takes you to Kleiner and you try a portal experiment which fucks up because of his head crab, then you unleasher into city 17. You then travel from place to place for various. So far i do not really know much of the story because the gaps arent filled in but IM SURE Gabes chunkiness will fill us and and explain everything. This game kicks ass in almost every aspect

    Gabe + Computer + Buckets of Chicken wings = Best Game ever 11/10 half life 2

    Everyone loves Half Life 2



  • Gordon can catch crowbars with his ass.



  • the hot black chick gordon will shove his HEV ehnaced dick up. I could totally wack and blow my load on the screen thinking its reals. SHE WOULD BE LIKE OH STEVE I LOVE IT.

    lol



  • I love these XTREEEEEM reviews. Just like I love the XTREEEEEM ads

    This game i fucking fly up a ramp with a dune buggy POP 2 GUYS WITH THE KICK ASS MAGNUM LAND DO A ROLL GET OUT AND SHOOT TWO MORE AND THEN SHOOT MYSELF

    Fucking lol’d



  • That review ruined HL2.



  • Speaking of Halo, the CMT single player campaign v2 level for “Pillar of Autumn” was released as an open beta a few weeks ago.



  • Look at that amazing graphic.



  • playing that was like turbo nostalgia


Log in to reply
 

5
Online

11.1k
Users

15.3k
Topics

298.2k
Posts

Looks like your connection to NoXiousNet was lost, please wait while we try to reconnect.